so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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