I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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