i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Randomize
