Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
