That's intense
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
