You just made me feel so damn special
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
