Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
