My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
