i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
