i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
