4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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