Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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