Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
