How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
