So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
