she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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