There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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