how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
