Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
