When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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