I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
