my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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