No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You can't special order awesome
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
