I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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