1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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