You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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