I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
