I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i need some magic done to my vagina
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
