all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
