Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I looked at my own cervix.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
