Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
