My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
