Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So squirting runs in the family.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize