I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
