I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
