I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
