So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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