You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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