i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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