I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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