I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
