apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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