i jhust puked up my retainher.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
