You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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