he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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