Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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