i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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