i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
