Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
