I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
