The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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