I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
