By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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