I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
