I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
