Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
