arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
