He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It's shark week go big or go home
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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