i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
