Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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