winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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