My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
