All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize